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SCENES 



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THE FAIR. 






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SCENES 



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THE FAIR 



[Mrs. Harrowby Grey before a table covered with showy 
articles, and surrounded by multitudes of persons of all 
descriptions, whom her marshals are vainly endeavoring to 
keep back.] 

Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 

Most extraordinary and provoking thing I ever knew ! 
Mr. Houqua not yet arrived ! and here am I surrounded by 
millions of men — not a single article purchased! — every- 
body making love to me, as if this was the moment. Hun- 
dreds of proposals before ten o'clock this morning — that 
horrid, conceited Mr. Kirehspiel never been near my table 
this morning ! Here comes his friend and forerunner, Cap- 
tain Mordaunt. Good morning ! Captain Mordaunt — I de- 
clare, he's off! Well! I've had him for five years, and 
can afford to give hiin up now. There comes Mr. White 



Bait with Mary Killerman in her new riding habit and jockey 
cap — a cool dress for the season ! What does she look 
like ? 

Mr. White Bait. 

Like Diana Vernon. 

[Enter Mr. Kirchspiel and Mr. St. John.] 
Mr. Kirchspiel. 

Having made me get up in the middle of the night to come 
here, I beg you will make me au fait of what is going on. 

Capt. Mordaunt. 
Or rather going off — 

Mrs. Killerman. 
Captain Mordaunt, I have a favor to ask of you. 

Mr. White Bait. 

As if the most hard hearted could refuse a favor to you ! 
You look in that jockey cap, and profusion of charming 
broad-cloth really unique, a queen, an empress ! 'T is but a 
barbarous skill to adorn yourself with so much art. Heav- 
ens ! what a crowd — intolerable ! I shall go off! I shall 
faint ! Eau de Cologne, if you pity me. . 

Mrs. Killerman. 

A fan ! a fan for Mr. White Bait. He is going off. ( She 
fans him violently.) 



Mr. White Bait, (faintly.) 

I revive — I revive — you bad well nigh killed me — but 
cruel person ! you bave restored me to life and woe ! 

Mr. St. John. 

Observe — an attached couple; the days of Arcadia re- 
turned. 

Mrs. Killerman. 

Captain Mordaunt, I want you to drive me in your tandem. 

Captain Mordaunt, (tenderly.) 

Mrs. Killerman, my dear madam, I have too nice a regard 
for my reputation. 

Mrs. Killerman. 
Captain Mordaunt ! 

Mr. White Bait, (faintly.) 

Captain Mordaunt ! ! ! (Aside,) he would say for his 
heart, but the navy gentlemen are apt to cmbrouiller their 
terms — 

Capt. Mordaunt. 

Not at all — not cr^ all. By no means — but the widows, 
really they are too much for me. It is a strange thing 
Kirchspiel, but I have seen two generations in love with 
me — first the mothers, and then the daughters — the grand- 
children will be looking after me next. 






[Enter Miss Fanny Capulet. Great stir in the crowd. She 
is attended by various gentlemen from Philadelphia and 
elsewhere.] 

Capt. Mordaunt. 

Upon my word now she is a very superior looking lady. 
She treads the boards just like an officer upon the quarter 
deck. I must see and get up alongside of her. 

Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 

Superior ! I would not cross the room to look at her in all 
her characters put together ! She has neither beauty, nor 
fashion, nor savoir vivre, nor grace, nor good breeding, nor — 

Mr. Siddle. 

For heavens sake, let us pass on to Mrs. Neverton's table. 
This is intolerable ! 

Miss Fanny Capulet, {starting.) 

What's that ? Where did it come from ? This oppressive 
crowd ! (Twenty-five gentlemen offer her their arm. She 
seizes the arm of Mr. Hutchinson and disappears.) 

Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 

Good Heavens! Where is Mr. Houqua — twenty-five dol- 
lars ! worth a hundred — eighty dollars — an exquisite pin- 
cushion — a gem come from Otaheite — (speaks rapidly to a 
hundred persons at once) splendid embroidery — lovely for 
summer. Captain Mordaunt, did you ever see anything more 
exquisite than the workmanship of this cap ? The most love- 



ly, beautiful, delightful, charming, superb, enchanting, divine 
thing that ever was seen. I put it on my head for one moment, 
and I thought all the men would go mad ! a mere trifle — fif- 
ty dollars. 

Captain Mordaunt. 

Mrs. Harrowby, you must excuse me — but really the va- 
riety of charming articles, and beautiful ladies is too much for 
me. 

Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 

Captain Mordaunt ! fifteen years ago, you would not have 
refused a request of mine. 

Captain Mordaunt. 

Well, really now ; you are too hard upon me — Here's 
Major Macflash in his uniform ; he '11 buy your whole table. 

Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 
Sweet fellow ! how exquisite he looks ! 

Major Macflash. 

Mrs. Harrowby, I have hurried up to your table, afraid that 
everything would be gone. Impossible to choose, where eve- 
rything is so beautiful — but I must have all the waistcoats — 
at least all that were embroidered by you. 

Captain Mordaunt. 

Miss Mary Lowell. Delighted to see her looking in such 
beauty. I declare I don't know a more fascinating lady. Miss 






8 



Lowe]], have you seen my tandem, and what do you think of 
Poppet ? I 'm most anxious for the benefit of your taste. I 
must tell you an anecdote of Poppet. I was driving down over 
Cambridge bridge, and holding the reins a little slackly, when 
a hay cart was coming up Poppet pricked up his ears, and — 
(Rush in the crowd). 
[Enter Mr. Houqua. Line formed to let him pass. He ad- 

vances slowly and stops opposite to Mrs. Neverton's table. 

He takes up a small painting.] 

Mrs. Neverton. 

Fifty Dollars, Mr. Houqua. 

[Mr. Houqua bows and takes out his purse, lays it on the ta- 
ble and moves on.] 

Mrs. Neverton, (opening the purse.) 
A thousand dollar note ! 

Many Voices. 
A thousand dollar note ! 

Mr. Kirchspiel. 
Houqua forever ! 

Mr. Sago. 

Well, ladies, and gentlemen, I think I may say, that upon 
the whole, this was really a very prudent, that is generous, 
that is handsome, piece of attention on the part of Mr. Houqua. 
I suppose however that his fortune is pretty, I may say, very 
considerable. 

There are very few private persons in our country who have 
a larger, I may almost say, so large a fortune as Mr. Houqua. 



Mr. Kirchspiel, I suppose Mr. Houqua's fortune cannot be less 
than — 

Mrs. Sago. 

A thousand dollars ! you don't say so — perfectly proper of 
Mr. Houqua. 

Captain Mordaunt. 

Well now Miss Lowell, that was very pretty of Houqua, 
really. Wronghead, what are you after ? 

Mr. Wronghead. 

A chain locket, with a lady's hair in it — that I expect to 
find on Mrs. Harrowby's table ? 

Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 

Here it is. Invaluable ! You may guess whose hair it con- 
tains. I will not give it for a cent less than sixty dollars. 

Captain Mordaunt. 

Buy it, Wronghead — buy it, or somebody else will. — 
That 's right. It 's yours. — Happy man ! Well, there really 
is a beautiful lace cloak, or pelisse. 

Mrs. Harrowbt Grey. 

You may well say beautiful — not such another piece of 
embroidery in the Union. I am going to sell it cheap, be- 
cause I hate extortion. Only one hundred and fifty dollars. 
It would be a wedding dress fit for a princess. 
2 



10 

Captain Mordaunt. 
Buy it, Wronghead — I would n't let it slip for the world. 

Mr. Wronghead. 
What should I do with it ? 

Captain Mordaunt. 
Do with it ? Look beside you. — If you don't, I will. 

Mr. Wronghead. 
I shall take it. 

Mr. Sago. 

Captain Mordaunt, I hope your tandem is in pretty good 
order. I think a tandem, though some people don't like it, 
is a remarkably neat, that is, safe, conveyance for those who 

understand the way to Yes, Sir. — Ladies, how do you 

like Boston ? There are few cities in the United States 
more refined, literary, and I may say gayer, than Boston. 
The common is quite an ornament to our city. There are 
few cities in the United States, or even in Europe, that have 
such a common as Boston. Mr. Capulet, your most obe- 
dient. How do you like our Boston theatre ? I think the 
people of Boston have a more decided taste for theatricals 
than in any part of the Union. Yes, sir, — Mr. Neverton, I 
hope I see you well. I trust that the amendment of the 
Third Article of the Bill of Rights comes on pretty well. I 
thought your remark upon the great Lord Chancellor Bacon, 
very strong. 



11 

Mrs. Peter Spark. 

What a cretur you are, Mr. Sago ! asking for bacon. I 
am astonished at you. If husband were to do so, I would 
tear him in pieces with my own hands. 

Mr. P. Spark. 
There would be two to that. 

Mrs. P. Spark. 

Husband ! ! ! 

[Enter Mr. A. Harrison and Mr. G. Harrison.] 

Mr. A. Harrison, ( biting his stick.) 

Absurd idea ! attempting a thing of this kind in Boston. 
Liberian climate. 

Mr. P. Spark. 
Only hear that cretur ! When it is stiflingly warm ! 

Mr. A. Harrison. 

In Paris par example this might have been worth seeing. 
There would have been some taste in the selection and dis- 
play of the articles — but really here it is too absurd. 

Mr. G. Harrison. 
Too ridiculous. 

Mr. P. Spark. 
The rooms are crowded with belles. 






12 

Mr. G. Harrison. 

Beauty enough — but what tournures. 

Mr. P. Sparks. 

What does he mean by turners ? 

Mrs. P. Spark. 
Husband ! ! ! I am ashamed of you. Conduct yourself bet- 
ter, or leave the room. You are a naughty cretur. 

Mr. White Bait. 

Mrs. Killerman, I beseech your acceptance of this couverture> 
come direct from China. A present from Mr. Houqua to 
Mrs. Neverton. W T hy so pensive, Mrs. Killerman? 

Mr. Saco. 
How much did that cost, Mr. White Bait ? 

Mr. White Bait. 
Five hundred dollars. 

Mr. Sago. 

Well I may say, that is a great deal of money for a bed cov- 
er — yes sir. 

[Reappear Miss Fanny Capulet.] 

Miss F. Capulet. 

Be so good as to enquire the price of that Indian scarf? 
Quick ! abridge my sufferings — I cannot long endure this 






13 



— ( she draws out her purse and lets the money fall. The 
assembled crowd fall upon their knees to pick it up. ) 

Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 

If everybody paid a dollar for staring at me, the fifty thou- 
sand dollars would have been made up in an hour. Never 
do I rise off my chair but five and twenty thousand quizzing 
glasses are levelled at me. — I should like to know what is in 
the mysterious box at Mrs. Neverton's table. A mere imita- 
tion of my sealed parcels — but I can do nothing but what 
all Boston imitates it. 

Mr. Sago. 

Mr. Kirchspiel has just given a hundred dollars for the mys- 
terious box. I think I may say, that Mr. Kirchspiel is a very 
singular person — yes sir. 

[Evening. Great crowd. Mr. White Bait, Mrs. Killerman^ 
and many others collected near the door.] 

Mr. White Bait. 
What an unladylike crowd ! let us retire from the canaille. 

Mrs. Killerman. 
You may go home, Mr. Bait, if you are afraid. 

Mr. White Bait. 
Oh ! Mrs. Killerman ! 

[The Company enter. Band playing. Lamps lighted.] 



14 



Mrs. Harrowby Grey. 

Every thing sold — what a day. I am nearly stifled with 
the men coming up to look at me — the mysterious parcels 
flew like wild fire — all the men rushed at them — the money 
is actually incalculable. [Noise at the upper end of the room. 
Mr. White Bait faints, and is carried out. Mrs. Killerman 
calls for wine.'] 

[to B£ continued.] 






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